As a society, we need to rethink what motherhood represents, both on a personal level and from the way mothers are perceived and treated by society at large. The change from pregnancy to motherhood is profound, after nine months of anticipation and physical growth, there's a brand new human to look after and we need to better understand the significant transitional change to motherhood, something anthropologists have dubbed a 'matrescence'.
A woman's new identity as a mother can override her former sense of self. Simultaneously, we're bombarded with a cocktail of hormonal and physical changes that can affect us mentally and can change how we view ourselves. And so to parent better, we need to understand this momentous change better, too. For too long, ideas around womanhood and motherhood have gone hand in hand, which is an issue for those who choose not to become mothers too, since it's presumed they want to. And for those who do become mothers, it's the start of a time rife with expectations and judgment.
Research shows that mothers who strive to climb the career ladder rather than working out of financial necessity, are perceived negatively. At the same time, they're judged as less committed and motivated. Mothers often, therefore, feel the need to tone down their ambition so as not to experience the cognitive dissonance of wanting to have both a family and a fulfilling career, as combining both is a constant challenge. Often something must give, and as a result, many women drop out of the workforce or work part time, especially if working hours clash with childcare commitments.
There are expectations placed on mothers to behave in a very specific way, and anything outside these norms is scrutinised. Sociologists call these assumptions 'normative beliefs' around parenting, which can have subtle and detrimental effects on a new mother's mental health and well-being. Despite a greater awareness of gender inequality, women are still pigeonholed as being the primary caregivers and pressure to be 'perfect mothers', which leads to guilt and shame when those societal expectations aren't met. Women don't need to be the primary caregivers at all from a biological or cultural perspective.
Those who give birth may physically have a head start in terms of beneficial bonding hormones. But research has revealed, for instance, that among same-sex male couples, the primary caregiver has similar brain activation and a comparable level of the bonding hormone oxytocin as a birth mother does. Our brains literally adapt to caregiving simply from spending time with our children, regardless of our sex. Caring for our children helps us to feel closer to them.
So if only one parent does most of it, it's no wonder the other is subtly conditioned to do less. This, coupled with workplace expectations of long hours and presenteeism, means mothers often do more of both the visible and invisible childcare and housework. We need to rethink the idea that a 'good' mother must sacrifice all her own time for her children. This is largely a societal Western construct. In the Aka tribe, in Africa, for instance, it's the fathers who do most of the soothing at night and spend an equal amount of time with the children, giving infants their own nipple to suckle on, if they're restless; and women also take part in the hunting.
Research also shows that parents are less happy than non parents, largely due to child-centred and intensive parenting ideals. Sleep deprivation, guilt and worry, a loss of freedom and being pushed into typical gender roles were among the cited reasons for this, with primary carers, often mothers, experiencing a greater decline in marital satisfaction. It's enough to give mothers what I have called 'a motherhood complex'.
After all, if we martyr ourselves for our children, what message does this send to the next generation? Our motherhood identity is pushed and pulled in many directions – internally and externally. We need to protect ourselves from many expected ideals. This is vital for our own well-being and our sense of self. Given the contradiction that mothers are constantly doing more out of a worry of not doing enough, our children will thank us later for considering our own happiness. If we are happier, they are bound to be too. So, until we change how society views motherhood, equality will be impossible to reach.
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